Instead of a To-Do List...

After our home experienced its first round of calamities, I scheduled an inspector to come through and let the axe fall so that I could face what needed to be done. I was impressed with the novel-length document he prepared and delivered in a fancy binding that emphasized the importance of addressing over one hundred items, all in various stages of urgency.

I started making lists, and I started making phone calls. I got estimates like trick-or-treaters gather candy. I hired contractors and formed relationships with my favorites; what a gift it is to know who you can trust and keep on going back to when it comes to the ins and outs of your home!

  A year later, I was riding the high of the slowly extracted axe; each check mark symbolized taking control of a situation that had felt so out of control at the beginning. Don’t be fooled, though: as homeownership would have it, there are still ongoing projects that continue, and portend to discourage. And as grief would have it, there are days you feel like you have a handle on your life and yourself–until you realize that the maintenance is ongoing. 

You see, the thing with grief is that there are days you just need to sit and be. When the wave hits, a task as simple as preparing and sending a package in the mail becomes a chore. How is this possible when otherwise one can accomplish so much? 

Because even when grievers think they aren’t carrying a lot, they might not realize that they are still carrying a lot. On the days when certain tasks seem to take everything in you to accomplish, honoring that part of your emotional and physical maintenance without allowing the guilt to creep in feels hard. It is hard, especially because you and everyone around you have become accustomed to the peace and security that we all feel when stuff gets done. To move forward is comforting and reassuring.

But there is only one gear in self-maintenance mode. You have to honor the parts of you that need to stop and let go. Instead of a to-do list during this time, make a mental or actual “I’ve Done” list. Look back at everything you have done, and stave off any guilt that comes with the rest and inactivity that your body and mind are telling you they need. Even if it doesn’t make sense that it takes you forever to get to something, you can't let it bother you until you have given yourself the maintenance that you need.  

Stillness is growth. Look at what you have done! It is a lifetime’s worth for so many people.

And maintenance in this form is a giant step forward on this journey, after all.